Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
