Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize