My first STD was from a foam party
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
