Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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