You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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