I wish my penis had an off switch
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
