i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
