some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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