You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
