walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
