dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
