She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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