Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
