ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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