did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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