Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
