i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
We need to feng shui this bitch.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
