Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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