Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
