my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
