she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
