oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Randomize
