dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
