please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
