Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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