Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
