she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
