I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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