She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize