What tipped you off? The sombrero?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Actions speak louder than pants.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
