I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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