I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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