ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize