My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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