There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
