11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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