I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
