Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
