I haven't been this sober since birth.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
