I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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