I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
