You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
