I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
