if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
