Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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