The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
You smell like stripper and shame
My underwear smells like fireworks.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
