Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
