She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
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