You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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