You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
