last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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