i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
