I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
