did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
