We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
The air taste purple.
Randomize
