it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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