Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
