I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
