I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
