I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
