Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
