New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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