Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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