Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
